Obsessed with Conformity
let's all stay on topic, shall we?
The Year in Tweets 2011
I’ve used the Twitter ‘Favorite’ option very liberally over the years. But until now, I’ve basically kept them to myself. So, in the spirit of ‘year-end best-of’ lists, I decided to share some of the tweets from my 2011 stream that made me stop and think. Note – the tweets here are from regular people I follow, not favstar.fm celebrities (and the celebrities who are listed here – I knew before they were celebrities.)
The bottom line is – I follow brilliant people. Thank you all for making my 2011 a little brighter. Better. Different. Weird.
I nominate @shortyawards for a Shorty Award in #AutoFilterTheseFromMyTimeline because OMFG
— Jeremiah (@Pixelnated) January6, 2011
I’m glad no one can see the panic that ensues when the automatic lights in the Starbucks restroom don’t click on before the door shuts.
— terryl banta (@terrylbanta) January 10, 2011
XM Customer Service should re-name itself “we won’t help you until you threaten to cancel your subscription service.”
— Pretty Annoyed (@prettyannoyed) January 12, 2011
Wikileaks to release cables on Egypt? What secrets will be there? “Located next to Red Sea?” “Cotton is nice” #NoThereThere.
— G Valentino (@GValentino) January 28, 2011
Last week a Florida mom shot her teenagers for being “mouthy” and I bet that story has wordlessly gone up on a lot of refrigerators since.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) February2, 2011
My iPad screen is looking greasier than Guy Fieri’s face.
— stephen lundberg (@stephenlundberg) February3, 2011
Fred Durst sits by the phone, waiting for Barnes & Noble to call with an offer to license his song. Waiting. Waiting.
— Clayton Hove (@adtothebone) February6, 2011
One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. ~Plato
— Joshua Denney (@joshuadenney) February9, 2011
Dream last night = me in a tutu with a pet whale. No wonder I have trouble with the real world.
— John Kochmanski (@JohnKochmanski) February 16, 2011
Dear @ncgovoffice, after liquor and sweepstakes video poker, I understand there is money in black tar heroin #ncga Be creative.
— Stuart Watson WCNC (@stuartwatson36) February 17, 2011
I plan on saving a lot of money by just ending my emails with “Sent from my iPad2.”
— stephen lundberg (@stephenlundberg) March8, 2011
It has come to my attention that I misspelt Guitar. Sorry everyone.
— Gaurav Patel (@gauravity) March 11, 2011
“What no wife of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he’s staring out of the window.” Burton Rascoe
— Quotes4Writers (@Quotes4Writers) March 14, 2011
Oh, Gilbert Gottfried got fired, huh? That’s OK, another job will float by soon.
— Korean Celt (@KoreanCelt) March 16, 2011
Paper or plastic? No need, I’ll just wrap these 3 grocery items in the 3 feet of receipt you just gave me.
— Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) March 25, 2011
— G Valentino (@GValentino) March 26, 2011
Really, Republican voters? Trump? Rick Astley best be jumping out from behind bush and bursting into song any second now. — Ken Wheaton (@kenwheaton) April7, 2011
On a bad day, I have mood swings – but on a good day, I have the whole mood playground. ~Charles Rosenblum — John Rankins (@johnrankins) April 12, 2011
Is there anything sadder than a half deflated smiley face balloon? — Matthew Ridenhour (@mridenhour) April 13, 2011
Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched “ninjas”. The computer told me “Ninjas cannot be found”. Well played, ninjas, well played. — Chantelle (@momwentcrazy) April 28, 2011
If it smells like vanilla, then it’s probably a stripper. — Patrick Saleeby (@littleepistles) April 28, 2011
Critique first. Criticize fiftieth. — Lee Clow’s Beard (@leeclowsbeard) April 29, 2011
Haha. RT @Grosssman Tony danza?? RT @Alyssa_Milano: Just took a nice walk with my dad. #Lovely — Jane G (@caff) May 14, 2011
The Ice Cube I grew up with would bust a cap in 2011 Ice Cube. With the quickness. — David Steinbach (@davesteinbach) May 20, 2011
Jesus was crazy. — J. Alex Sánchez (@AlexSantxo) May 26, 2011
I used Internet Explorer for about 5 minutes today to confirm that, yes, there are still ads on the internet. Poor IE users. — James Willamor (@JamesWillamor) June1, 2011
My Gmail is impenetrable to hackers in China because my password is just eight letter L’s. — Wade (@WadetoBlack) June2, 2011
#thatawkwardmoment when you say “okay, have a good day,” but then the elevator doors don’t open for another five seconds. — Dawn Summers (@realdawnsummers) June2, 2011
backpacking would be so much better with a jetpack. i would jetpack the shit out of Kilimanjaro — john choe (@johnchoe) June3, 2011
Perspective is gained by distance. Which is ample justification for concepting at the beach. — Lee Clow’s Beard (@leeclowsbeard) June 15, 2011
The paradox of talent: If you’re any good at what you do, you don’t think so. — Marketing Douchebag (@mktgdouchebag) June 15, 2011
I once tried to smoke a candy cigarette. The sugar caramelized and burned a hole in the kitchen floor. Lesson learned. — Ashlyn St. Ours (@ashlyn_stours) June 30, 2011
Everything – every single thing- FaceBook and Google “add for you” in social is to study the ant farm, and further target you. — Ed Shahzade (@Ed) June 30, 2011
Aaand the 5-year-old with the whistle is terrorizing the neighborhood again.I think it’s time to have a chat with Whistler’s Mother . . . — Brenda Ford (@Brenner57) July 17, 2011
Okay. We get it. Apple has more cash than the US. 3 days you’ve been saying it. Gotcha. Noted. Wrote it down. Thanks. — G Valentino (@GValentino) July 30, 2011
If the hole for your earlobe plug is big enough, I get to put a quarter through it. — Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) July 31, 2011
3yo: “Dad, can you spell ‘Mom’?”Husband: “Yes—P…M…S.”And that’s when the knife slipped from the drawer and into my husband, Your Honor. — Jerilyn Hassell Pool (@AuntMarvel) August1, 2011
Flicker flicker go the lights as the thunder rolls in the distance. — Marja Ernst (@marjae) August2, 2011
That thing where cat owners complain that cats are untameable monsters. — Phil Koesterer (@gotophilk) August2, 2011
Kill your television.Read a damn book,sing a song,find a tribe, paint a picture,write a damn story. The planet needs your art.stat #Tribe801 — prof.dr.tyler durden (@swagclub) August 12, 2011
Jimmy soon discovered that you can not be both a flautist and a republican presidential candidate. And gave up on his dreams forever. — Jeff Kwiatek (@jeffKwiatek) August 24, 2011
SHUT THE HELL UP LIKE NO ONE’S WATCHING. — Patrick Saleeby (@littleepistles) September7, 2011
“Yeah, hi, I’d like one kitten with a side of cat hair on literally everything I own; thanks” -me, about a year ago, apparently. — terryl banta (@terrylbanta) September 27, 2011
beach > everything else — john choe (@johnchoe) October 14, 2011
You can’t hire people smarter than you. If they were smarter than you, they’d be working for people smarter than them. Fire them. — Nick Jones (@narrowd) October 19, 2011
“Can you buy pepper spray at the airport as you’re leaving?”- my mom — AJP (@amandarants) October 31, 2011
Go vote today. Or else shut the fuck up and bend over. You choose. — Armando Bellmas (@bestillplease) November8, 2011
If you ever want to see me cry, watch me after transferring a piece of cake to a plate and it lands frosting side down. — Wade (@WadetoBlack) November 30, 2011
“the united states’ 99% is the world’s 1%.” OH from @jonnychia and @chandraaaaa. — darrell whitelaw (@darrellwhitelaw) December7, 2011
I’m taking my 15 month old niece shopping because 1) I’m a good aunt and 2) what the fuck was I thinking? — AJP (@amandarants) December8, 2011
“The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another.” James M Barrie — Quotes4Writers (@Quotes4Writers) December9, 2011
2011: The circle of dead grass where the circus used to be. — Joseph Hughes (@JosephHug) December 12, 2011
♥
And yes, I ‘favorite’ some of my own tweets. I do this mostly to have a record of things I’ve written that I might use again somewhere else. Here are a few that I liked best.
I’d probably get more tattoos if not for my fear of one day being hunted for my pelt. — Jim Mitchem (@jmitchem) May 23, 2011
The main reason I stopped working at agencies was to avoid shooting people. — Jim Mitchem (@jmitchem) February8, 2011
I’m so tan that when I’m naked it looks like I’m wearing white bike shorts with a penis and ass cheeks. #flacation — Jim Mitchem (@jmitchem) July 14, 2011
monosyllabic = the one word definition of irony. — Jim Mitchem (@jmitchem) September8, 2011
***
Jim Mitchem
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7 Responses to “The Year in Tweets 2011”
OMG. People are still using Twitter?
Evidently, just the ones who understand the power of wit.
not to say you’re entirely at fault, but twitter has been down since you published this sweet ass list and I can’t DM you back. so, basically you broke twitter when you took it’s best stuff and published it elsewhere. nice.
i used the wrong “its” and I’m going to kill myself now. really nice, jim.
You know I could have fixed that, right?
The one about monosyllabic made me literally LOL. People looked over at me at work…nice list.
[...] forces brevity. Not unlike writing advertising. Be quick or be dead, and all that. Last December I published a post of some of my most favorite ‘favorited’ tweets from 2012, and though i’d try it again this year. So without further delay, here is chronological proof [...]